Recently I had finished some home repairs and I was in line at the customer service desk to make returns. The employee that was taking the returns was speaking in a condescending way about how the people in line in front of me could not return their light fixtures because their receipt was over 30 days old. She blamed them for not reading the fine print in the receipts and stated that it wasn’t her fault that their contractor didn’t finish the job in a timely manner, and that the company changed its policy. She was treating each of the people in front of me with contempt.
I hoped it would be different when it was my turn, since I only had a couple of cans of a very common item and I had just finished the project. However it turns out that I had bought those items at the beginning of the project, and it had been over 30 days. The employee stated that she could not accept the returns, could not return them to my card, and was refusing to give me a store credit. Then she spoke down to me that I should have read the fine print in the policy. I felt my blood start to boil. I was angry. I had made returns of extra stuff to this store for the past decade without problems, sometimes many months after the original purchase. These were just a few extra cans of sealant, which were not used, old, or expired. My emotional response was an appropriate recognition of being treated unfairly, of being spoken down to, treated as less than a person.
Another employee stepped in and stated that she could help, attempting to diffuse the situation. She ended up giving me store credits instead of returning the purchases directly to the credit card as had happened every other time that I had made a return of items to this store, sometimes many months after the date of purchase. After my turn was over the original employee proceeded to ‘help’ the person behind me, and continued the pattern of contempt.
Have you ever had an experience like this? I think that it has been increasing in prevalence in society these past several years.
Human beings are social creatures. We have neurobiological systems that somehow mysteriously are able to engage in complex social interactions, primarily with emotional feedback to the conscious experience. I am not trying to reduce consciousness to neurofeedback loops, or emotions. I believe that there is a great mystery in human consciousness that is more than the sum of its material parts. I am trying to talk about your consciousness, and my own, and each of our family, friends, neighbors, and enemies. We have energy levels, subjective experiences of emotional states, and these do have distinct neurological pathways that switch on and off in our brains. These pathways have been around for a very, very long time in our history as a species. And we have learned about how to interact with each other starting at very young ages.
In humans our social interactions start in the womb. A baby in its mother’s womb learns to recognize it’s mother’s voice. The baby physically resonates with the mother’s speaking energy. This connection continues through early childhood. As humans develop we learn to love our family members and community, how to play fair, how to work together towards goals by receiving positive emotional feedback subjectively when we are loved, played with, and work together with others towards goals. We recognize the emotions and energy in others.
Think about some elementary school kids playing a game, having fun. Think about that feeling that you had when you were a child playing games and being excited. Now imagine the feeling that almost instantly happens when you caught the other kid cheating and you loose the game unfairly. Instantly not fun right?
There is a ‘play’ pathway in our brain and as long as everyone is playing fair we stay in that energy. As soon as we recognize cheating, the fun energy stops and we have a negative emotional response. Anger at the injustice. Negative Energy. I want for you to be aware of these energy states, neurological pathways that exist in human beings, and what the subjective experience is like for you in the different energies. Don’t get caught up in the words, the experience is what matters for our purposes here.
Another example that I use when I teach about these things in clinic: Imagine you are giving a hug to an adult that it is appropriate to give a hug to but not your spouse. For many people this can trigger a positive emotional experience. Did you ever think about how do two people know when a hug stops? That happens really really fast right? Somehow it is communicated. When adults give hugs, there are a whole lot of neuropathways at play. As soon as one person starts to let go, the other knows to let go. These responses are lightning fast. What about if the other holds on tighter after you give the signal to let go? If the other person doesn’t get the memo and holds on tighter, very often the person that started to let go can instantly have a negative emotional experience because a different neuro pathway almost immediately takes over: a negative energy instead of a positive energy.
Our subjective conscious experience is emotionally driven and has distinct pathways or energy states. My current thought on the matter is that reason happens with our focused attention on top of that emotional, energy framework. And that emotional energy framework has been around for a long long time. Humans didn’t invent this stuff as social constructs.
Don’t believe me? Go buy a hobby farm and pay attention to the animals. I did that for 5 1/2 years in south Louisiana on 21 acres in a Bayou. Its an extremely educational experience. I will incorporate farm analogies and those learning experiences in this Substack as we tackle different subjects that are pertinent. Our human neuropathways appear to be built over a framework of neuro pathways that are present in other social animals.
There are fascinating studies on how social animals have basic understandings of fairness. This TED talk by Frans de Waal is GREAT if you are interested in this:
In clinic if the patient’s family can relate, I like teaching people about these basic pathways using their pets or farm animals as examples, but especially dogs. Dogs are social animals with similar neuro-biologic pathways but those pathways are usually far simpler to see than with humans. Ever see a calm dog all of a sudden snap into an alert? Dogs are either on or off with these basic social neuro pathways, both positive and negative. Dogs have states that are alert (high energy) or calm (low energy). It is so easy to see these emotional states in our furry companions.
I often recommend that people watch some TV shows by Ceasar Milan. Caesar Milan “The Dog Whisper” has made a successful career teaching people about their own human psychology and their dog’s psychology. A brief synopsis of why Caesar is successful could be that he teaches people to:
Treat their dogs like dogs instead of like humans.
A dog has a pack (social animal) and interacts with the humans in its life and other dogs from within that framework.
Humans need to relate to the Dog as the Alpha of the Dog’s Pack, or the the dog will assume that role and attempt to dominate you through biting, jumping and growling.
Have the owners turn their attention inward and pay attention to their own subjective human emotions, “energy”
Pay attention to the dog’s behavior when the dog is experiencing certain emotions.
Owners then change their actions.
Which changes the dog’s emotions and actions.
Caesar talks about energy states and reminds people to recognize/pay attention to/ look at the energy in themselves and their pet dogs.
The process of being aware of your emotional state, recognizing the emotional state of others, and changing your actions accordingly based on others’ reactions is key to far more than dog training.
It is basic human nature to recognize your emotions, and then be able to act accordingly. There are many different evidence based therapy modalities that are developed from these principles. Most, but not all, types of therapy that I am aware of could be summarized in this process in one way or another.
One book that I have found extremely helpful is Arthur Brooks’ Love Your Enemies. Brooks goes into detail and includes practical tips to help overcome contempt. I have purchased about ten copies for friends and colleagues that are often subjected to contempt because of their work. I really encourage you to read or listen to the whole book, but here is a 5 minute highlight:
Along with Brooks, I believe that it is vitally important that we recognize the emotional response that is present in each of us when we are treated with contempt in a not self-deprecating way as the response to contempt is an important human self defense. In our history as a species we have great capacity to inflict harm on our fellow men. People that are verbally belittling others are half a step away from physically hurting them and that tendency has such historical precedent that we have an ingrained warning system that triggers off to protect us from the potential once we detect it in another. In clinic I deal with this reality every day, because children that have had traumatic experiences are the ultimate barometer of contempt. If a teacher or adult treats a child that has a trauma history with contempt, game over, the child flashes out.
I believe that it is very important that we each become aware of that feeling we have in response to contempt and know what it stems from, because then we can choose how to act and stop the cycle. Instead of replying to the contempt with disdain and contempt, we could respond with steadfast love. Brooks discusses case examples in the lives of Ghandi, Martin Luther King, the Dali Llama, and Jesus have to name a few. In refusing to depersonalize, name call, or belittle the other person, even though they are doing these actions to each of us, even in the midst of being persecuted to the point of death, we are breaking the cycle of negative energy.
What did I do in response to the employee at the box store? I felt angry. But I did not respond with contempt. I also did not cave in and cower. I talked to the manager. I spoke about the need to not belittle people. And while I acknowledged changes in policies, I asserted that those changes could be communicated in compassionate ways. I did not dehumanize the employee in response to her belittling me. The truth is that she was in a difficult position. She was covering for someone else, and it wasn’t her fault that the unseen corporate interests in the box store had arbitrarily changed the return policy. But she was taking it out on each of us in line by treating us with contempt.
We have a high level of negative energy in society right now, and need to try to diffuse it whenever possible.
This is a small example, and we have all seen an increase in the negative energy in the last 2 years since the COVID19 Pandemic started. Consider the pent up negative energy that exists in individuals that are seeking to Lord it Over their Neighbors and belittle them over mandates related to COVID19. There is a lot of contempt.
I believe that the experience at the box store is a taste of a spirit of ill will towards neighbor, the ultimate negative energy which is the true pandemic plaguing our society.
I encourage each of you to become more aware of yourself, recognize the emotional energy level you are in in response to those around you, and if you are treated with contempt, I encourage you to choose to respond not with contempt, but with Love, seeking to end the cycle of negative energy.
It is an important and human thing to recognize when we are treated with contempt, and to be angry, but we must not dehumanize or ‘other’ those who treat us with injustice.
Be steadfast. Do not comply. I invite you to join me in my commitment to Live not by Lies. We must do this in a way that responds to Contempt with Love.
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